Resilience #34 An Arm’s Length

Ever seen those online videos of dog walkers pretending to collapse? The dogs carry on regardless, going about their business blissfully unaware.

I tried something similar with my weekly blog posts.

I deliberately didn’t post, expecting to receive a clamour of concerned requests for the latest newsletter.

The silence was deafening.

To be clear, this isn’t one of those sympathy posts, fishing for a little affirmation (honest!). In the spirit of openness, it’s a reflection that I’m really not that significant in the scheme of things.

And do you know what? The same probably goes for YOU.

Once I’d got over the initial disinterest, I realised it’s actually quite an empowering perspective. We’re central to the rudiments and machinations of our own existence, but peripheral players in the game of life – for the most part, anyway. You really don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Everyone around you is in the midst of their very own maelstrom, experiencing their fair share of trials and tribulations, slap-bang in the epicentre of ‘now’. Whatever’s going on in your life (or not) is fairly inconsequential in comparison.

It’s not that you don’t matter, just that everyone does. The realisation that we’re cohabiting with billions of other lives just as full-on as our own is referred to as ‘sonder’. Generally speaking, other people’s complexities take precedence over your personal priorities (in their eyes, anyway).

But that doesn’t mean we can’t make a positive impact, even from an arm’s length.

Here’s my top 6 tips for contributing to a community from the edges:

  1. If you’re not included in a conversation, chances are it’s none of your business. Don’t take it personally. Minding out the way is a public service.
  2. If you are included in a conversation, listening should always be your first priority.
  3. When someone doesn’t acknowledge you, it’s probably because they’ve got things on their mind. Move on, there’s nothing to see, here.
  4. If someone doesn’t acknowledge you, it’s definitely worth checking-in with them later.
  5. Your priorities don’t automatically usurp someone else’s. 

And probably the most important of all:

  • Being in a position of authority makes all of the above count double.